building a solid relationship with your kids

growing up, i could tell my parents anything. i wasn't really afraid of getting in trouble for anything. i know if shit hit the fan, they would be there for me. i didn't think about how i was parented would effect my own parenting until years and years into my own parenting journey.

so, fast forward to when i became a mom back in 2006. WHUT.

when the boys were younger, i wasn't thinking about really what kind of parent i wanted to be. i was just doing the best i could. parenting and loving on my kids without giving it a ton of thought. or so i remember. when i got divorced is when i really knew i had to make the most of my time with my boys. a lot of my advice here is good whether you share custody of your children or not, but some is perhaps more applicable if you are co-parenting. post divorce, i swallowed a lot of uncomfortable feelings in order to show up the best for them. to truly nurture their trust in me. because that goes both ways in a family.

i didn't speak poorly of their father (or his family, etc.) in front of them whatsoever. even if i heard things that made me WANT to, i refused. because as soon as i did that, i would immediately be putting them in the middle. making them feel uneasy about sharing that part of their life with me. it was a crucial building block in creating trust with my boys. whether they realized it or not.

i made sure that i was showing up for them. sometimes it was as simple as texting them goodnight when they were with the other parent. i also made sure that i was in the stands at their school + sporting events as much as humanly possible. obviously there were times i had work or conflicts, but not once did i just choose not to show up for convenience. asking them about their day (the good AND the bad). if they needed my help with something, sign me up. especially when you know that someday those asks will happen less and less. i made the effort. they knew they were a priority in my life.

i talked about hard things! even when it was uncomfortable. or they would have rather just skipped the TED talk. ha! but if they knew you weren't afraid to talk about it, that would set the stage for future conversations they might need to approach you about. bonus ... remind them randomly that you're there for them. they will remember that invitation when they need it most. trust me.

speaking of hard things ... i have not always been the best at discipline. i was the soft place for them to fall. that being said, i'm honest with them about that + the fact that just because i am that way doesn't give the green light to take advantage of it. haha. easier said then done, but it also creates a good dialog with them. mom has weaknesses. i'm not perfect. i make mistakes. that's life. and i know they are going to experience all that as well. i just be sure that they know ... it's okay. there isn't anything that isn't figureoutable. ever.

a big one a lot of parents miss out on is to go where they are. enjoy what they do. here is a big one that is for every parent out there. do your kids love video games? or do they love hanging out in their room playing music? maybe there is a netflix show they are bingeing in their spare time. do they love to go study at a coffee shop? maybe they love watching movies on the big screen. go in their room. ask them about the game. listen to the music. watch the show with them. go out on a date with them. go where they are. see for yourself what they like to do. take a little interest in what lights them up. you don't have to go camp out with them 24/7, but honestly, get in their life. the amount of time you have with them keeps going backwards as they grow older. take advantage of the time you have right now.

one last thing ... put your phone down. shut the laptop. listen to them. any time they talk with you, be fully present. i'm not perfect at this, but really try hard to be. not only because we expect it of them, but because they are taking the time to connect with you. honor that!

these are just some things that have helped me create a solid relationship with my kids. i know there are more ways out there. what do you do to connect with your kids? share in the comments!