the boudoir session

sometime in 2017, i decided i wanted to do a boudoir session with one of my favorite photographers, bailey aro. i had been crushing on her work for years and was in the middle of battling some heavy body hate. i don't know any other way to say it. i had no love for my body. i was thankful that it was functioning and keeping me alive, but to look at it, feel it as i stuffed it into clothing or see a reflection in a mirror ... forget it. i was disgusted. i decided to book a session that was six months away as motivation. i purchased the best package so that my investment was solid. it would happen and there was no backing out. i figured this would propel me into losing the 50 pounds i wanted to lose + have me looking and feeling my best. i was also hoping that at some point during that time, nick would propose to me. yep, i was thinking hey ... this might even be a special engagement present for him. i mean, no pressure, right? lose a ton of weight and completely change your mindset in six months? no problem!

yeah, wrong. i didn't magically lose 50 pounds and become happier than ever. i actually gained weight. i also didn't instantly have body kindness and fell in love with the skin i was in. i not only let the toxic thoughts continue, but they were starting to have a much bigger effect on my relationships. i wasn't engagement yet and was having anxiety over time passing. it was probably in the middle of the darkest time in my mind. i was grasping onto anything that i thought would give me the confidence i once had back. leading up to my boudoir session with bailey, i was so nervous. so many questions and thoughts that raced through my head. what was i going to wear? would she think that i'm too big? even if i give her permission to use my photos, she'd never show ME off as her work. how uncomfortable am i going to feel? what if she thinks my clothing selections are stupid? will she even get enough images for a gallery? what if i can't stand to look at them when they are done? will i ever tell anyone i did this? i was a head case. then, i walked into her studio and some kind of crazy excited calm came over me. she made me feel beautiful immediately. her hair + makeup duo was lovely. i felt loved and pampered while getting ready. when it came time to change into my outfits, she helped guide me. i was so grateful for her creative eye that also allowed me to be ... me. not a girl that wears heels? don't worry about it. leave them at home. want to wear your boyfriend's shirt? heck yes, go for it. i felt so comfortable in everything i brought to wear. at one point, i was standing in the middle of her studio in a bodysuit. that's it. it wasn't one that pushed my boobs up. it didn't suck in my sides or belly. quick frankly, when i bought it, i was just hoping it would fit. and there i was, being photographed in it. i felt so proud of myself for getting to this point. i literally was just doing it scared. i left the studio that day feeling extremely powerful. it was the first time in a long time that i had not felt ashamed of my body. bailey was connecting with me as a person while she took pictures of me in a body that wasn't like ones in the magazines i read. she made me feel beautiful. smart. creative. kind. i don't know how it happened, but it was magic. i had told nick about my plans for the session during a conversation we had in which i was spiraling about my self confidence. after the session, i immediately texted him about what an amazing experience it had been. he was so happy for me. i know how much he wants me to love my body no matter what ... so to be excited was a great win to share. that session + those images were one of the greatest gifts i have ever given myself. not just because it was done by such a talented photographer + woman, but it helped unpack enough garbage in my head that i knew loving my body again was possible.